Residency and a Baby

Linking up today for Medical Mondays...

So, the other day I got my first anonymous “troller” comment on my blog.  It wasn’t so much mean, more just like extremely bitter.   It was from a doctor’s wife complaining about the fact that she had children during residency and because of that she gave up her flourishing career and how I should think long and hard about having children because if I do during residency I will basically be a single mom.

Can we say Bitter Betty?

What’s funny is that it came on the day that I announced McCartney’s birth.  Nice timing, right? ;o)

Anyway, I read the rather long comment to Ben and we had a pretty good laugh about it.  I know we’ve only been parents for two weeks, but we have been preparing ourselves for this for a long time.  Having a baby changes everything and can totally turn your world upside down.  However, I feel like since we’ve had our little gal that our marriage has been stronger and more filled with love than it has ever been.

Having a baby during residency shouldn’t be and doesn’t have to be a total nightmare.  Yes, your husband might be working ridiculous hours but there are things you can both do to strengthen your team and help you feel like you’re doing it all by yourself.  I understand I'm a novice and this might be eliciting some eyerolls from some more seasoned resident wives', but just bare with me while I share with your how we have approached having a baby during residency.

1. I make my family my first priority.

Let me preface this by saying that I have nothing against working moms.  I have just known for as long as I can remember that I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  My mom was a stay at home mom and it was wonderful.  My dad and I were always her first priority and it showed in everything that she did.  So, long before we got married, Ben and I made the decision that I would stay at home when we had a family.  We wanted me to be able give that same attention, focus, and love to our little gal.  Trust me, I understand just how incredibly blessed we are that I don’t have to work outside of the home.  I do have a nice little side job working for my family, but all of that is done from the computer and on my own time so it’s perfect.  No matter what your situation though, whether you are a homemaker or a working mom, your family must be your first priority.  Taking care of their needs and making the house a home is so important.  Now that doesn't mean that I neglect myself, but when it comes to my purpose, that is being there for my family.

2. My husband makes our family his first priority too.

Yes, he is a surgeon. Yes, he gives all that he can to his residency.  Yes, it is a very demanding schedule.  But when it comes down to it, we will always be first on his list and knowing that he feels that way provides so much peace.   It also really helps that his residency program is family friendly.  Seriously, Wichita is fantastic!  The program is amazing and produces amazing surgeons.  They get extremely good training and lots of experience.  But that’s not what I love the most about it.  When Ben asked how he should go about taking time off when we had the baby, the ladies who organize all of that said, “Just send us a text with a picture of her and we’ll take care of the rest.”  Awesome, right? :o)  So, if you’re in med school and getting ready to go on interviews, really consider this aspect of the program.  Being a part of a program that supports their residents having healthy home lives is so important.

3.  I make our home a place where my husband wants to be.

I mentioned this back in my post on being a doctor’s wife.  Even though my husband loves his work, I know that he would rather be home because I do everything I can to make his home a place he loves.

It’s easy. A sweet, real kiss when he walks in the door. Keeping the house clean, having his laundry done, and preparing dinner. Even just making an effort to be in a good mood even if I've had a stressful day.

I’m sure some ladies might be rolling their eyes.  What is she? A fifties housewife?  But I have never been one to pretend to be something that I’m not.  When it comes to being a wife, I’m old fashioned.  My husband provides for us by working, so I provide for us by taking care of our home.  And he is so appreciative of it!  And don’t get me wrong, there are nights when he comes home and I have no energy to make dinner.  But guess what?  That’s what the Chinese place down the street is for!  What matters though is that I show I care.  When he comes home from a long day at the hospital, the last thing he needs is me being a nag.  What's funny is that he's even more helpful because I'm not a nag.  He does it because he wants to, not because he feels obligated.

4.  I encourage him.

Ben is a great father already and I let him know that.  I know that when he looks at me out of the blue and says, “You’re doing such a great job.  She is so lucky to have you as a mommy”  that my heart just swells and it makes me feel like a million bucks.  He deserves that too.  After all, he offers to change her diapers, holds her while I shower, and helps me out by retrieving laundry, doing the dishes after dinner, and helping out with our bedtime routine (I don’t even have to ask him to pick up Trudy’s toys and bring the dishes into the kitchen anymore).  A little acknowledgement can go a long way.  This can’t be fluff or bs though.  It has to be 110% truth, from the bottom of the heart.  

5. I'm flexible.
Some of the best advice I got about residency is that your life will change with each rotation and you just have to adapt to it.  I think that with the baby this will be more important than ever.  Some months we might eat frozen pizzas a few more times a week.  Other months we might make more trips to the hospital to visit Daddy and spend time with him.  It just depends on what Ben's schedule looks like.

6.  I don’t give him grief or make him feel guilty.

When Ben texted me the other night that it would be a late one, definitely after 10pm, I had two choices.
1. I could act annoyed and go off on a rant about how annoying residency schedules are.  

2. I could support him.

Of course, I chose #2.  

When he finally rolled in around 11:30, I met him at the door with a kiss (a real kiss), we fixed ourselves some plates, had a quiet dinner laughing and talking about our days, and then I met him in bed with some  champagne glasses (his filled with some of his favorite Captain Morgan and mine with some sparkling cranberry juice), brownies and cookies.  Something so simple, but it totally made his night!

The way I see it, he couldn’t control that his attending set a late surgery schedule that night.  It’s not his fault that he has to be there and we both know that he would rather be at home with us, snuggling with his little girl and playing Mario Kart.  So, when late nights like this arise I always tell him that I feel sorry that he has to stay, ask him if there is anything I can do to help (i.e. bring dinner, having something ready when he gets home), and let him know what he has to look forward too (a warm meal on the table, a backscratch when he comes to bed, etc.).  Making him feel guilty over something that he has no control over just builds resentment on both sides which doesn’t lead to a healthy, happy marriage.  Keep in mind though that this doesn’t mean you have to put on a fake smile and not share your emotions.  You have to communicate and be supportive of each other. 

This is also very important because we never want our children to resent Daddy’s job.  Ben and I have had lots of conversations about how my reactions to his work and schedule and how I talk about it will play a huge role in our children’s perceptions of their father’s job.  We never want them to feel abandoned or resentful.  We want them to be grateful and proud of what their father does.

So there you have it!  The way that we have approached having a brand new life during this busy, busy time.  Don't worry...I'm not living in dreamland.  I'm well aware that some months will be tougher than others and that some days will just blow and I'll forget everything that I typed about here.  But, for now, I'm living by these guidelines and I am watching the love in our family grow every day.

What about you?  How do you approach having a family with your spouse's busy schedule?

Over and Out,
Kelly Jo